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telling the truth.

By 1/04/2017

read this fast, because that's how i'd tell you if you were here. i'm getting divorced. it will be finalized in the next few weeks. i've been separated for almost two years - i've been living alone.

shooo. there. i said it. we can slow down.

a few years ago, i decided i wanted something different in life, so i pushed my luck and tried for a new hand. well, i started by discarding a few things i thought i could spare, hoping i'd piece together a full house. i'd get lucky - i always had.

who was i kidding? the whole hand had to be redealt.

i waded in, self-assured i was buoyant, just thinking i'd go for a quick swim - not realizing i'd have to lose sight of the shore before any significant change could happen. i told lies. i took advantage. i was calculated and totally contrived and i thought i was in control.

yal, i started to drown. i grabbed at things to keep from drifting away, unknowingly prohibiting the inevitable flow that needed to happen. if you're anywhere close to this chaos, to divorce, or separation, a major break-up, infidelity -- please know: patience. you get there when you get there. i cannot tell you how true that has proven to be. the only fucking way is through, and there's no set time to make it there. you get there when you let go.


it's been a very strange year of confusion and loneliness, of bargaining, shame, grieving, and of being afraid. but on the other side of that fear, of all of that gross stuff, i've found some lightness. and a lot of honesty. i've learned the only way to find happiness is to risk being completely open.

right now, my marriage, my husband, my identity as a wife - a 'normal' married person - feels like i imagine a phantom limb would. i can sense it there. i remember what it was like to have it. it's close enough to reach out for, but there's no flexibility now - i can't touch what's behind. i can only honor it with kindness for what was it, honesty about what it wasn't, and gratitude for the lessons it's left.

in 2017 i go forward, and through. i work to accept that life isn't going to go how i thought it would, and i'm ok with that - i'm even letting it be exciting. when you try to control things, you can only take one path - the one you know. so i'm learning what i don't know. i'm doing things differently.  in the reverse, i can now sense parts of me that i couldn't quite get my fingers on before.

i've invested in friendships that have sustained me in the dark and brought out more light than i knew existed. i've met someone i connect with in new ways and i'm practicing being loved and loving back. for months i've withdrawn from the blog but i've lived IRL.  i've traveled.  i've had too much to drink. i've not slept enough. i've slept too much.  and cried. and cooked for one. i've been brave. i've annoyed the shit out of my best friends. i've thanked them. i've walked miles, and run a bit and then walked again when i didn't want to sit alone with myself. i dug into my community and found it was there to support me. i washed dogs, and filled notebooks with lists of why and why not, i threw parties, took baths, swiped on tinder, posted inspirational quotes to instagram late at night and i've tried to make a new home feel familiar in a white box perched over downtown. 

there are deep wounds, but also an infinity of opportunities to grow from the lessons of failure, and loss. it's time to rebuild. i'm ready to share again on my blog. thank you for sticking around and supporting a space for me to find my voice, even when it's barely a whisper.  i've built a brand, a way of living really, on sharing discoveries, encouraging adventure, and daring you to find authenticity -- hope you saved room for me; i'm ready to try again.

55 comments

  1. You go girl. I've been reading from the VERY beginning and rooting for you all along the way!

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  2. Life is complicated and messy and beautiful and painful. Kudos to you for being brave and honest. I think it is the only way to get out alive. xoxoxo

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  3. This is such a refreshingly honest post. I can't imagine how hard this whole process has been. Best of luck to you and congratulations for making it to the place you are today.

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  4. Hi Jamie I've been reading from way back in the day. I think the person blogging back then would be super proud of the person blogging now... no matter what crazy and necessary changes that has brought. Sending you tons of well wishes and good vibes :))))))))

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    1. This is an insanely sweet sentiment and one I agree with wholeheartedly. I had an inkling this post was coming, but it still breaks my heart to read it. Good luck Jamie and may 2017 bring you many wild and crazy stories.

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  5. I appreciate the honesty. And I understand the emotional rollercoaster, I divorced late 2015. Just keep pushing, it takes a while to feel "normal", ie unashamed. But it will happen.

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  6. You rock. Supporting you from afar and hoping 2017 is a great year for you.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your truth.

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  8. You have a wonderful way with words. I am forwarding this post to my son who is going through a divorce. Thx for sharing and best wishes for healing and a bright future.

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  9. Welcome back! I've read your blog for many, many years and can't wait to see what the future holds for you and the amazing business and brand that you've built. Happy New Year!

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  10. You need to be proud of your self for coming this far. So many people don't have the guts to put themselves and their happiness before others. Don't feel bad or guilty about this. This is an exciting new chapter of your life!

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  11. Wishing you all the happiness in 2017 and beyond! love your honesty!

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  12. thank you for being so candid and honest...life is so messy

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  13. This. This is everything. I have followed you for years now and I absolutely love everything you do. I am going through a separation/divorce too and I swear to God this was written for me. Thank you for your encouraging words and real talk.

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  14. Thanks for sharing this....I know it wasn't easy. I have gone through divorce and heartache and all I can say is I like the "me" now a lot better than the "me" 15 years ago. The lessons are priceless. One day, hopefully sooner than later, this will all seem like so long ago. And you will give yourself a big hug! Hang in there. Wishing all the peace and joy you can stand in 2017!

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  15. Sounds like you have been through the wringer!! Glad you are back and on the road to a good place!!

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  16. this was so beautiful and brave - not that i'd expect anything else from you! i've been reading for a long time, and so admire your strength and creativity. sending you hugs and badass bitch vibes from afar (not that you need them!), and can't wait to see what 2017 has in store for you. welcome back--we missed you!

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  17. Brave words from a brave girl. Wising all the best and lots of healing.

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  18. girlll....yes to letting go, so you can be what you were meant to be. it is massive pressure and high temperatures that turns carbon into diamonds! i love your work and as an entrepreneur you are a huge inspiration to me! wishing you peace serenity and joy for 2017, amongst the hard parts that are sure to come!

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  19. I love this post! Honesty is hard sometimes because you feel so raw and you don't know what you are going to get back. Many have been where you are and have emerged from the ashes of one life into a new and better one. I hope 2017 is good to you!

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  20. I thought I sensed so major change behind the scenes... Wishing you all the best in the coming year. Your blog has been such an inspiration to me over the past few years.

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  21. Gave me chills as my own relationship is at a crossroads (and I haven't told anyone). Congrats on getting to the other side and being will to share.

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  22. beautiful thoughts and words.

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  23. This resonates so much, and is beautifully written. The phantom limb never really goes away as that expanse of your life and memories are part of you, but the way you feel about them and view them may continue to evolve as you grow through the change. Cheers to 2017, and all the best to you.

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  24. hey, hang in there! we've all been there and come through, too.
    looking forward to following your new adventures in 2017.

    XXX from a fan in Japan

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  25. lots of love, jamie. strangers who love you from all over are behind you.

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  26. thank you for sharing! adulting is hard and your honesty is refreshing. the only way out is through!

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  27. Jamie,
    Good for you! Don't look back, you're not going that way. My best advice.
    I have never regretted leaving my 9 yr failing marriage and choosing ME ten years ago. Luckily, that phantom limb you speak of is a distant memory for me and almost another lifetime.

    I hope you'll continue to take care of yourself and seek truth in yourself and others. May joy find you in 2017 and always....

    BCG

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  28. I'm glad you shared. As a blog reader of yours for over 7 years I've missed you. I've been concerned about you. I'm glad you are back. I'm happy you've found your voice. Thank you Jamie. I wish you all the best this year and in the years to come!

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  29. You can do it. You clearly *have been* doing it, so you don't need to hear about balance, choosing you, letting go, looking forward, feeling the feelings in the present, validating and loving yourself. Thank you for being wise and vulnerable and sharing. xo

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  30. Take heart and forge ahead; it will only get better.

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  31. I gasped when I read this. In both shock and sadness and support. It's weird how invested we become in bloggers and lives yet we have no personal connection. I've read your blog for YEARS. I'm sorry things didn't work out in your marriage. No matter who did what to whom and how it all went down when a marriage ends its just tough. I've been there. You sound like you are surviving and learning and accepting and doing you as best you can with as little harm to yourself and others...and really that is all ANY of us can do. Even though you don't know me I support you and I believe in the caring and dynamic person I've gotten to know on this blog. Mistakes were made. People got hurt. Life was lived. Learning is ongoing. I've been there and I say this from experience and empathy. It will get better. In solidarity and support. I look forward to seeing you back on the blog beat.

    Best
    Danielle

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  32. Everyone is broken and has stuff... whatever your beliefs are and whatever you are going through... there is always hope and light on the other side. many of us have realllly missed your wit and style in the blogging world so we are excited for you and us, truth be told, to see what the new year, new life, new you brings to 2017. You got this!! Thank you for sharing!

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  33. wishing you peace and joy in 2017

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  34. You are amazing. Your blog is one of my favorites because you are so real and honest. Thank you for sharing this. I know it has to be hard. I think it always helps to know that everyone has their own struggles. Things will only get better.

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  35. I came across your blog today and was touched by your honesty. While I have never been through a divorce, this past year of my life was the hardest to date. Finding our voice helps us keep moving forward. Cheers to a happy 2017!

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  36. BEEN there, done that. Took two years to right the ship and the last 10 have been better than I ever dreamed. You have to walk through the fire to get to the other side. I'm feeling ya girl.

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  37. Thanks for sharing such a touching and personal story. Wishing you courage, patience and much happiness in 2017!

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  38. Longtime reader here sending you lots of positive vibes, laughs and blessings for 2017 and beyond. Truly admire your honesty. We've all got shit. No rain means no beautiful, lovely, blooming flowers :) Cheers to the sunshine ahead!

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  39. Sending you my very best wishes, Jamie - I'm sure it's been a very difficult 2 years for you, and I know some wonderful things are ahead for you at the 'other end of the tunnel'

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  40. Been there. Married young and it doesn't always last. You're not a failure, you're a human. Make a choice to be kind to your ex (and yourself) and as time goes on the good times you had will settle into nice memories as your life moves forward. Preserve that - it's important.

    The more time goes the more you will prob realize it was the right (but painful) move. I was 30 when my ex and I split. I'm 40 now. My career exploded, I met my real match, got accidentally knocked up, married him 8 months pregnant in Hawaii from reverend named Kermit we hired off the internet, had another kid (!!!???!!), just spent our whole Christmas in Paris with this caravan of monkeys, now 8 and 4 (and my hubs) -- and I'm having the best time, the life I somehow knew was waiting for me -- I can't imagine the slo-mo soul killing that would have happened had I stayed...

    Anyway, good luck. Time heals. Big and better is coming. Been reading your blog forever. Cheers.

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  41. much love coming your way. hang in there. life is messy and no one is perfect but we are all doing our best. we are right there with you and we are pulling for you! we know you will come out the other side stronger, better, wiser and that is what it's all about. you inspire us with your style but also with your honesty and genuineness. keep on trucking :) side note: will be in raleigh in a few weeks and furbish will be my first stop. yayyyyy

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  42. Beautifully expressed. I'm so sorry that you've been carrying this for so long and hope you feel relieved and lighter from sharing. I went through a divorce five years ago, and I remember how (needlessly) ashamed I felt. Coincidentally, we decided to get divorced shortly after moving to Raleigh and my only regret about the whole thing was that I didn't go to Furbish before I moved back to DC. My stress and sadness had manifested itself in terrible skin issues and I didn't want to leave the house. I'm glad that you're still embracing life. Take it one day at a time and it'll keep getting better and better. I just celebrated my one-year anniversary with my perfect partner and our baby is three months old. Time is an amazing healer. Good luck, Jamie.

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  43. I sensed there must be some heavy living going on that needed you to not take a step back. That's life, that's understandable. That said, I have read for years and always enjoyed your creativity, your courage, your straightforwardness so I hope you choose to engage in the blog again because I selfishly like reading! But the truth is that we all got shit, no matter what shape it takes and people are more understanding than you think they will be and if they aren't then forget em, you don't need them in your life. We are all rooting for you and I envy of course your courage in changing your life for what you truly need, your creativity in business and your straightforwardness in sharing your experience. I'll leave you with a parting thought (I believe it is maybe a Tibetan Buddhist blessing?) that I was given by someone wise a few years back when going through some soul-searching of my own: May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy.

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  44. Such a courageous post. Thank you for sharing your soul with strangers. May you find your bliss.....everyone deserves bliss.

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  45. First off, congratulations for being brave enough to do the difficult thing. There are plenty of people who don't have the faith in themselves to do that. Second, your marriage ended--it didn't fail. It's not a driving test.

    I met my boyfriend shortly after his marriage ended and it was rough going for a while. But he always says that finally being honest and not having secrets was the biggest weight off his shoulders. Go live your life and find so much happiness.

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  46. Bravo you brave soul! I've been reading for years and never comment, but couldn't resist this time. It was clear there was some transition afoot for you from the shift in the blog over the last year or so and I wondered..... It was subtle, but there for those of us following along for a long time. Good for you for going for what is authentic and makes you happy and for growing and changing and not settling! Go after what you want, it is scary and exciting. I'm such a fan of what you've done here so far and can't wait to see where you go from here.

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  47. 2017 is your year! P.S. You look beyond fab as a brunette!
    Rock it girl

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  48. Keep on inspiring and being amazing Jamie. Love, Whitley

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